Turning 20

So today I turn 20. I’ve always had an up-and-down relationship with birthdays, but lately I’ve felt quite at ease with them, not straining to hold onto the year that’s just been, but rather just letting it be and taking life for all its ups and downs, all its tides.

I had a lot of preconceptions about 20-year-olds when I was younger, and so this post is a self-reflection, of 20 thoughts and 20 realities.

1. I thought I’d feel very grown-up by 20, but in actual fact I feel small and young and free, but also as if I’m on a precipice of something bigger. Maybe adulthood is just around the corner...
2. I thought I would have a distinct life plan, but I’m still as lost as ever. Speaking to girls older than myself, I’m not sure that lost-puppy feeling is ever going to go away, but then again I certainly have trust in fate, and hey, what’s life without the surprise of opportunities?
3. I imagined myself to be happily in a relationship with the man I was going to marry, but I’ve realised that this was an immature thought, and that next to none of my friends are in relationships, and we’re all just fine and dandy, and loving life together.
4. I thought I would lose the childish (or so I thought) need for my parents, their approval, their company, but I’ve found that I need it more than ever. When life gets so much busier at this age, I need my shared hobbies – ballet and reality TV with my mum, and walks and plane-spotting with my dad – in order to ground me and make me realise how precious they really are to me.
5. I feared that my cousins – who are practically my siblings, we’re so close – wouldn’t be as close and that we wouldn’t see each other as much as we do. But we do, and I thank my lucky stars every day for all of them, because I honestly don’t know how I would get through things without them.
6. I thought that I would remain friends with the girls I loved during school, and while this is true, I’ve found so many wonderful people at uni and work and through reflecting on others I wasn’t particularly close to during school, and I’m feeling
7. I imagined all the ‘high-school-drama’ would be gone from my life, and that everyone would be friends with who they wanted, do what they wanted etc. In fact, life is even more complicated, if that’s at all possible! People come and go, and that’s ok.
8. I thought I would know exactly who I am as a person by 20, but I find myself forever learning things about my capabilities, passions and personality that I never imagined were there.
9. I never imagined I would wake up past 6:30am, but here I am learning the value of sleeping (at least until 7:30am :P ) after a long, hard day.
10. I thought I would remain the shy, insecure little person I was, but university has opened my up...a little...
11. I truly believed that losing people and friendships wouldn’t hurt, because hey, it’s life, right? Wrong. It hurts, and you never grow too old to feel.
12. I imagined that as I grew older, my imagination, my spark and the little quirky parts about me (like laughing about nothing, making up stories, being creative) would naturally die out, but I find them even more important now than they were when I was little.
13. I somehow thought that one day, before you turn 20, you have this realisation that ‘wow! I’m an adult, not a teen anymore.’ But you don’t. Life just keeps rolling, and you realise adults aren’t really as ‘grown up’ as they make it seem ;)
14. I thought I would fall in love before 20. I have, but not in the way I expected. I fall in love everyday with the smallest things, with people, with life, with me, with passions and even with things like television shows and books. It’s cool to love all these things! Love doesn’t just have to mean a feeling towards another person. Love, and the world suddenly feels a lot brighter.
15. I imagined I would be stressing about my future, my husband, my kids, my job, my life. It’s true – I am!
16. I thought I’d be the most elegant woman by now, with my hair and make up perfect and natural every day, and with high heels and the perfect LBD on hand at all times. Sometimes I wish that was me, but in reality, I’m just as clumsy as ever, and sometimes I love the messy uni-student look with leggings and unbrushed hair. It’s fun to be young!
17.  I thought the pressure of growing up and being yourself would be gone by now, but it isn’t. If anything, I feel more pressure and expectations for some reason – I think because everyone is moving in different directions, and everyone has a differing timeline of life events, that it can be easy to get caught up in it all and forget who I am and what I want from life.
18. I thought my 20s were going to be a time when people just let everyone be, and let everyone be free and do their own thing without questioning. It’s not true – my turning vegetarian in April last year caused uproar in my friendship circle, that still hasn’t died down, unfortunately.
19. I believed I’d be drinking countless cups of coffee, just like all the adults I knew in my childhood were drinking. I was so wrong – I drink cup upon cup of tea!
20. I imagined myself to be a stronger and more secure person, and by golly I am. I’ve grown in mind and soul the last few years in particular, and I know that I can get through anything.

This post was a bit of a ramble, but I think it’s so important to take time out and reflect on life and yourself. Here’s to a wonderful new chapter of my life xx